"Somebody’s Watching Me" – Paul B's DD's

Double D stands for Dos and Dont’s. To send Paul B a question, please email Paul at paulb@flipsidecomedy.com

 

Dear Paul B,

I am a young, hard-working University student, greatly looking forward to graduating in the spring. So far, I have managed to stay focused and exert myself like never before, and my efforts are being reflected in my marks. Everything is going according to plan, and I’m very excited about this. There is only one thing that stands in the way of myself and my successful academic career; His name is Joe.

On the first day of the school year, Joe introduced himself as a T.A. for one of my classes. He immediately took an interest in me, admiring my written work and praising me for my “brilliant” contributions to class discussion. I have never had a professor, never mind a T.A., take such an active interest in me before, and naturally, I was flattered. I believed Joe’s interest in me to be purely academic, even after he asked me to go for coffee with him after class on several occasions. I always found our conversations to be inspiring and thought provoking, and I thought he felt the same way.

Recently, I’ve noticed a change in Joe’s behaviour. He seems to be acting jealous and possessive towards me, despite the fact that I made it clear that I am not interested in any kind of romantic relationship. At first I thought I was imagining things, but my friends seem to agree that his actions are inappropriate. He seems to have memorized my schedule, and I often find him waiting for me after my classes, although he insists this is pure coincidence, and that the flowers are for his mother. He uses the school email system to send me messages day and night. When I don’t reply, he threatens to de-friend me on Facebook. And last weekend I went on a date with a nerdy guy from my class. On Monday he got on F on his term paper. They’re still trying to get him to leave his room.

I’ve tried talking to Joe about his behaviour, but he swears there is nothing going on. I’m worried that if things continue this way, it could seriously affect my grades. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Somebody’s Watching Me

Dear Somebody’s Watching me,

Oh dear, it sounds like you are being trapped by a guy who is abusing his power! But don’t worry! Joe won’t be a nuisance for that much longer. It might not feel this way now, but the semester won’t last forever, so unless you want to poison him or hire goons to cut him into pieces and send the remains to his loved ones, I have a couple of ideas to help you cope with this Creepo of a TA that will keep you mostly out of jail.

Have sex with him and watch your grades go straight up!!! A recent McGill University study has shown that grudgingly complying with unwanted sexual advances can have positive effects on your career. So be the Stedman to his Oprah, the Beyonce to his Jay-Z or the Ben Affleck to his Matt Damon. But keep in mind that this strategy can have adverse effects; you can grow dependent on Joe. If he continues to do everything for you even after the semester ends, you may have to marry him. Then you will end up having his babies and be trapped in a loveless marriage until your children are in University and are faced with the same problem, at which point you will realize that you have wasted your life. Then you will divorce him, move to Bali and try to do your “Eat, Pray Love” thing and ultimately find yourself banging a salsa instructor with bad breath.

A second, less time consuming option would be to hire an attractive girl to be your fake girlfriend for the rest of the semester. Invite Joe out for coffee and continuously make out with your new belle while ignoring him for hours. This is a good way of keeping him at a distance while maintaining his interest in you. Several studies, particularly McGill University studies, have shown that 7 out of every 10 heterosexual men are content watching women make without trying to get involved. You’re in University and unless the Internet has lied to me, that is a time for women to explore their sexuality! So just enjoy your hired belle, and don’t forget to add me on twitter @PaulBcomedy and send me twitpics to keep me updated on your progress!

I hope one of these options suits you, if neither of them work you can always drop out and try careers in stand-up comedy, playing bass in a folk funk band, or maybe try fishing for King Crabs in the Arctic. 

Paul B

 

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